Seeking Soulmates
by theLilyLady
Summary: What do you get when you mix Umbridge with lovespells? TOTAL CHAOS AND YUCKINESS! Harry, Ron and Hermione are scarred for life...


When they entered the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom they found Professor Umbridge slumped back in her chair snoring loudly as a little trickle of drool dribbled down her chin. She was wearing the fluffy pink cardigan of the night before, but she had discarded the black velvet bow, which left her hair in an array of messy curls, giving Harry the impression of a large toad donning a yellow wig.

"Um...Professor Umbridge?" said Hermione, cautiously approaching the table.

There was no reaction from the sleeping Professor as Hermione reached out her hand to gently tap her arm.

"She's obviously asleep," said Harry quietly.

"Well, then let's go before she wakes up," whispered Ron, "and gives us detention for disturbing her."

"But what about our lesson?" hissed Hermione.

"Who cares?" Harry and Ron said simultaneously.

"It's not going to be our fault that we can't have a lesson, because, like it or not

Hermione, our teacher is currently asleep!" said Ron.

After a hushed debate on whether they should wake the sleeping professor or not, Harry and Ron dragged an angry, but defeated Hermione out of the classroom.

"Oh calm down Hermione, it's only our first lesson," said Ron, clearly exasperated.

"But you don't care about lessons, I do. And I say we find Professor McGonagall-"

"And what's she going to do...give Umbridge detention for sleeping?"

"No, she'll wake her up, or get us another teacher!"

"I thought you and Ron were going to stop arguing," said Harry quietly.

"That is not the point Harry. Ron and I are prefects! We're supposed to-"

Fortunately for Harry and Ron, Hermione's lecture was cut short by the arrival of the class. She gave them a glowering look and promptly pulled out her Arithmancy book from her bag and immersed herself in its complicated theories.

"What? We don't have to line up, do we?" asked Dean Thomas in disbelief, when he saw Harry, Ron and Hermione standing outside the classroom.

"No," said Harry, "We came out here to escape sleeping beauty's snores."

"What d'you mean?"

"Umbridge's asleep."

"No kidding!" Exclaimed Dean Thomas as he and the rest of the class crowded at the doorway for a glimpse of the sleeping Professor.

"What are you all doing here?" said a cold voice.

That voice belonged to none other than Snape.

"Professor Snape," said Hermione hastily "we're-"

"I do not recall inquiring an explanation from you, Miss Granger." Said Snape curtly, as Hermione faltered, then flushed in embarrassment. With an unpleasant smirk on his face, he rounded on Harry.

"Potter." Snape said softly, "I expect you have a good reason for this...commotion?"

"Professor Umbridge's fallen asleep," said Harry shortly, half-expecting Snape to try and put the blame on him. Sure enough, Snape's eyes narrowed as pierced Harry with one of his icy glares.

"What do you mean, asleep?" said Snape in a dangerous voice.

"Um, let's see..." Harry said sarcastically, "not awake, unconscious, snoozing-"

Snape's sudden dash into the classroom brought Harry to a halt. With an astonished glance at Hermione and Ron, the three of them ran into the room, followed by the rest of the class.

The sight of Snape on his knees, clutching Professor Umbridge's fat hand, with an ecstatic expression that softened his face rendered the entire class speechless. The hateful greasy Professor that tormented all his students was diminished into a lovesick puppy that gaped at the sleeping form of Umbridge as if she was the most beautiful creature alive. Something was definitely not right.

Snape brushed a strand of hair tenderly away from Umbridge's face, as the class watched with a mixture of fascination and horror, and leaned forward to give the Professor a lingering kiss on her lips. Harry felt as if he had just been blinded, and by the painful look on Ron's face, so did he. Professor Umbridge's eyelids fluttered open as she gazed lovingly into Snape's eyes. He drew her into his arms and they embraced one another, and for that precious moment, they were unaware of no one but each other.

Which was just as well. If Snape had been...well, Snape, he would have definitely put the whole class in detention for the rest of their Hogwarts years.

"What a beautiful moment."

Everyone, save for the affectionate couple, turned to face the speaker.

There in the doorway, stood Professor Dumbledore, smiling at the class's stunned response to their professors' strange behavior. Harry tried to catch the headmaster's eye, but Dumbledore seemed ignorant to Harry's efforts. Walking swiftly past the bewildered students, Dumbledore grasped a fat purple candle with a half-burnt wick from the teacher's table. Taking out his wand, Dumbledore tapped the candle with it and the candle vanished into wisps of purple smoke, leaving a sickeningly sweet perfume in the air.

Harry watched in amusement, as Snape and Professor Umbridge 'awoke' and found themselves in each other's arms. Harry didn't think he'd ever heard a scream as loud as the one that Professor Umbridge's lungs enabled her to produce. As for Snape, he had strode furiously off to the safe refuge of his dungeons. Leaving Professor Dumbledore to soothe the frenzied Professor Umbridge, the dismissed class left ten minutes early for lunch, discussing excitedly about their bizarre lesson.

"I'll never be able to forget that lesson," groaned Ron, once he was seated at the Gryffindor table.

"I can't believe they kissed," said Harry, grimacing at the memory.

"I can," said Hermione.

"What?" chorused Harry and Ron together.

"Look at this," said Herimone, holding out two parchments. One looked to have been torn out of a newspaper and the other, a list of instructions.

"Ok," said Ron, taking both of the parchments, "let me read this out."

_**Seeking for your soulmate?**_

_Well then, look no further; Jeanie Lovewick will guide you to your true love!_

_Just owl us at Lovewood lane, Diagon Alley and we'll be delighted to send you one of our wonderful kits equipped with the simple tools and help essential for your spiritual journey to find and rejoin with your soulmate**. One extra free passion candle included for every purchase.** May Aphrodite bless you with your desired love._

"Your desired love? This lovebat is as loony as lovegood," laughed Ron.

"This explains a little about Professor Umbridge's been doing today," said Hermione, "finding love."

"Not unless her desired love is Snape," said Harry, "you saw how she reacted back there...I'm not an expert on love, but trust me, Snape is definitely not her soulmate-"

"Hey! Listen to this," interrupted Ron.

**Instructions**

_Crush the dried red rose petals into a fine powder._

_Crush and mix in two fully matured mandrake roots._

_Light the passion candle with the incense stick of jasmine. _

_Sprinkle the powder over the candle and inhale the fragrance._

_You should have fallen into a deep sleep, only to awake and find yourself gazing into the eyes of your true love._

_For those with allergic reactions to rose petals and/or jasmine, please owl us for a change in the ingredients as well as a different instruction list- **Please do not ignore this warning. Any casualties could be fatal.**_

"Where did you get this Hermione?" asked Harry curiously.

"Well, I ...er...sort of took it off Professor Umbridge's table when she was in hysterics." Said Hermione, her face reddening from the amazed stares she earned from Harry and Ron.

"Wow, way to go Hermione!" cried Ron, making Herimone blush even harder.

"So Professor Umbridge, owls the company and gets her kit," said Hermione.

"In which she decides to find her love before our DA lesson" concluded Harry, "but I still don't understand how Snape came to be in the equation..."

"That, I'm afraid, is something we'll never know," said Ron, shaking his head.

The end


End file.
